We know all too well the insightful struggles around whether you see the glass as half full or half empty, but during a night out and about a half dozen sample studies of one's favourite libation, it’s safe to say the only thing you’ll see is your glass as half awesome.
But then what? That electric worm you were busting out all night now feels more like it was on the receiving end of that early bird and you’re left to wither and die in a drunken, mangled mess on a sidewalk. In other words, you’ve got yourself a hangover my friend.
Now because I know you’ve likely been in this place of hurt before, I also know you likely have the perfect hangover cure. Whether it’s toast, soup, fruit, water, vitamins, or 420, you already know how to mend your fabric. But I ask you, when was the last time you skipped that fruit smoothie and indulged in a deep fried canary?
I’m willing to bet never!
So if you've got the gumption, gall, or happen to live in the geographic area where buffalo milk and bull penis are plentiful, why not give one of these hangover cures a try? It's only crazy if it doesn't work.
1. Buffalo Milk
You know the scene. It’s a regular Saturday night and you’re out with friends at the Tiger Reef Beach Bar just south of Palm Beach in uh…Swakopmund, Namibia. Following one too many Windhoek Lagers, you wake up in a fog and in desperate need of buffalo milk – the Namibian hangover cure. The slurry of clotted cream, whole cream, dark rum, spiced rum, and cream liqueur is the perfect sugary mix to make you either puke or make you puke some more. You may also notice there is no actual buffalo milk in that blend.
2. Green Smoothies
Green smoothies are often mistaken for the thick green scum that forms on top of ponds during the warm summer months. And while it might have similar nutritional properties, you can bet the green smoothie you make will taste much better. With a healthy mixture of dark green leafy vegetables such as spinach, kale, asparagus or broccoli, and some fruit like bananas (Vitamin B), apples, berries or stevia for sweetness, it’ll be just like your very own intravenous bag from Mother Nature herself.
3. The Canary Cupboard
You’re hanging out having some Caesars at an ancient Roman bacchanalia when you lose count and pass out into your gold and ivory bed. You wake up the next afternoon and the only thing you can find to eat is a platter of deep fried canaries. You pop back a couple of cuddly snacks and to your surprise, the hangover symptoms eventually subside. It remains unclear how exactly the Romans would prepare the canaries prior to deep-frying, but what remains most unclear is how anyone would prepare waking up hungover and then gnawing through Tweety Bird’s tiny skull…
Wait a sec – perhaps this offers a glimpse into Sylvester’s life off camera.
4. Thistle While You Work
You know what are the worst? Thistles. They’re like sneaky grass-urchins patiently waiting to deflower your bare feet and they do not give a shit about you. But you know what’s the best? Milk thistle. It’s like a flak jacket for your liver that’s taken before a night out or the following afternoon to help either prevent or remedy that dreaded hangover.
In case you didn’t know, milk thistle consists of silymarin, which is an antioxidant that helps protect the liver by promoting the growth of new liver cells and prevents damage caused by alcohol, magic poisonous mushrooms or any other toxins you might ingest on a typical Saturday night at the bingo hall. But while the verdict’s out on its genuine effectiveness, there are many who swear by it and its availability, over… I don’t know, say a platter of deep friend canaries.
5. The Penis Game
Did you used to play that stupid but hilarious game where you and your friends would gradually say the word penis louder and louder in a public space? I know I’m not alone on this and bet you’ve at least heard of it. Well, whatever. My roundabout point is that we likely had no idea that penis could cure a hangover. Okay, well, a dried bull penis, but it’s still a penis nonetheless (you see what I did there?). It’s believed that Sicilians would reach for their wieners instead of their noodles in any effort to cure the next afternoon’s hangover. Normally I would make fun of this, but these are Sicilians we’re talking about and while growing up my older Italian neighbour Mario taught me to fear them. End of story, capiche?
6. Count Your Drinks
I believe it was Ben Franklin who said, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” On a side note, we both know it should be sixteen ounces but that’s a whole other conversation. Nevertheless, the idiom suggests that it’s likely easier to prevent something than to try and cure it. Kind of like a hangover.
The problem? That ounce of prevention turns into doubles of whiskey and you wake up the next afternoon with a pounding headache and looking for a hangover cure (see what I di… never mind). Obviously counting your drinks is much easier said than done as I discovered at a recent dinner party we hosted. I woke up the next afternoon feeling like a bag of ass and noticed seven marks on a Post-It note next to my nearly empty bottle of Kraken. I’m still unsure whether I lost count or just made incredibly strong drinks. Oh, and someone had drawn a penis on that note.
7. Fat Chain
The next time you’re hungover, this is what you do. Open two packs of uncooked bacon and cut the strips of fat off into a bowl. Now tie them all together in a chain while tying a string to one end. Okay, this is the important part: swallow the fat chain while holding the string – kind of like a toilet snake. I know, it’s hard, but you’re almost done. Now pull the slimy fat chain up and out of your throat - like that toilet snake again, and prepare for a good yammy fest.
But don’t throw out that perfectly good fat chain after you’re done using it like a toilet snake. Toss it in the pan alongside all that bacon and watch it melt down into perfection.
8. Baby Wants His Food
On the weekend, you got together with some neighbourhood friends who all naturally have several month old babies. Yes, you have one too. Your wife being the responsible one that night decided not to drink and instead actively took care of everything while you indulged in a few too many baw-baw’s of your own. You wake up feeling like garbage because you’re older now, and your afternoon task is to feed your offspring some of that nutrient-rich organic baby food everyone raves about. What you quickly realize is the puree of nutrient-rich fruits and vegetables might just be the solution you were looking for. The best part is if you happen to unexpectedly vomit in the morning just cock your head to one side and do it over your shoulder. Then blame the baby!
9. The Voodoo, Who Do, What You Don't Dare Do.
Magic is considered by some to be pure evil. Well, not the rabbit in a hat or pick a card any card type of magic, but more specifically black magic or as it’s more commonly known, voodoo. It’s been said that some Haitians who practice voodoo believe the best hangover cure is to jam 13 pins into the cork of the bottle you drank from in an effort to remove the hangover from your body. Whether it works or not, you might see a couple of challenges with this practice.
What if you’re drinking multiple bottles? Do you spread the pins out evenly, or focus on the last bottle, as it’s likely the one that caused you the most pain. There’s obviously a risk that you might not have enough pins, so do you hit up Walmart the night before? Or what if you grab the wrong cork and then cure someone else’s hangover – do you get karma points, which help lessen the severity of your hangover? What if you’re drinking at a bar? Do you simply drag yourself back there the next afternoon and try to nonchalantly ask if you can see the keg you were drinking from, as you need to shove 13 pins in the top? Do you think that may raise some eyebrows?
And what if you’re a ginger like me who has no soul, reflection, or shadow…?
Of course, these are just a few of the most outrageous hangover cures floating around. Be sure to share this post with friends to see if anyone else has shoved a bacon fat chain down their throat after one too many. You’d be surprised how common it is.