It's no secret that drinking makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do.
As Dave Chappelle so eloquently put it, a night out with good friends and having a few too many, “Brings the animal out.” Although, the degree of effects tends to vary depending on the individual.
Pick a bar, any bar. It doesn't matter where you happen to be. Those who've consumed their share of wobbly pops, Jäger bombs and Cuervo shots always tend to share some common tipsy characteristics.
And where inhibitions are lost, guards are down and the conversation is borderline unintelligible, you’re presented with comedy gold amongst people who've forgotten appropriate ways to conduct themselves in public.
Below's list includes just a few of the types of people you’re likely to find at the bar on any given night, and in greater numbers on weekends when the flow of booze reaches high tide.
Chances are you may be at least one of them, but feel free to share this post with any of your friends guilty of the following booze-fueled behaviour.
The Obnoxious Chick
This girl thinks everything that comes out of her mouth is hilarious and far more important than anything you have to say. Typically, she's the type of person who must always be the centre of attention and also cannot hold her liquor. So her needs of recognition are amplified 1,000% when drinking regardless of how much it pisses off everyone in the room.
The Guy Who Never Acts Drunk
This is a drinker’s drinker who, regardless of how many drinks have been consumed, can still hold his composure while being wasted off his ass. What would turn the average person into a complete lush seemingly has no effect on this man built of sheer class and incredible tolerance. But watch close. There is bound to be some sign of drunkenness at a slight moment of weakness, be it in the form of a slurred word or mini-stumble.
This is the person who has not been politely asked to leave by staff yet, usually seen mid-pass-out while slouched onto a table, against the wall or over the toilet. Not necessarily young and new to bars, the Lightweight can be of any age and tends to be a person who doesn’t normally drink or has downed a few too many shots in efforts to keep up with friends. The Lightweight, however, is not to be confused with our following character:
The Partied-Way-Too-Hard Guy
It’s not the inexperience that got this hard partier way too drunk to be at the bar, but rather the overambitious drinking. Maybe he got a little too eager and pre-drank more beer and Rockstar + Vodka combos than originally intended, downed enough tequila to kill a small elephant, or it just happens to be his birthday and the amount of free rounds were too much for the poor boy to resist. Either way, it’s time for this guy to be tucked into bed with some milk and Oreos.
The Spilly Talker
This visibly drunk person does not know how to hold a conversation and a beverage at the same time. Much like a toddler, the Spilly Talker is in need of a sippy cup to prevent soaking him or herself and anyone else within close proximity, and is usually the reason why the floor is so sticky.
The Only-When-Drunk Smoker
This so-called “social smoker” doesn’t smoke regularly but gets the urge to light up after a few drinks. Thus, this person rarely has cigarettes of their own at the bar but won’t hesitate to bum them from friends or strike up conversation with complete strangers on the patio with ulterior motives.
The Beer Goggles Guy
This promiscuous fella is prone to having so many drinks, he frequently loses all judgment of what he would normally find attractive with one intent: getting laid. No matter how oblivious he is to the laughter of his friends or how much he’ll regret his decision in the morning, this guy is regularly intoxicated to the degree that a 2 is now a solid 8 and he’s ready to go home with a naked mole rat.
The Person Who Admits Way Too Much
When it comes to loose lips, having too many drinks at the bar can be an easy way to sink ships. It’s no secret that alcohol has a truth serum effect, for some more than others. Unfortunately, this person is the biggest victim when it comes to calling up an ex to confess still-existing love, admitting to friends that the odd Nickelback song “rocks hard” or telling the boss to go fuck himself at the office Christmas party.
The Wikipedia Guy
This know-it-all is filled with random facts, and lets them all spill out at the bar with the belief that he will impress you with completely useless knowledge. And just like information gets added to Wikipedia regularly, this may be some random tidbit only learned yesterday, but he will still try to make you feel stupid for not knowing about it.
Wikipedia Guy and the Philosopher can be interchangeable people, as this person believes he is blowing minds with his deep understandings of the bigger picture. Things like if man really landed on the moon, Obama being Illuminati, and how we're going to take down the one percent. The mixture of booze and 420 is not unheard of with this character, either.
The Life-Changing Epiphany Person
This is the person who uses the bar as the place to pour out all unhappiness and entertain friends with the promise that this night is the beginning of a life-changing resolution. Whether it’s getting out of a relationship, changing careers or getting over a stubborn grudge with a family member, we all know this drunken epiphany will most likely never happen.
The Personal Space Invader
For some, the bar is a place where speaking to others at an appropriate distance does not exist. These are the people who must constantly touch you to get their points across and semi-support themselves by wrapping one arm around your shoulders to scream in your ear and express how much they, “Love you, mann!” It is these people who do not give a fuck about comfort zones and knowingly or unknowingly test the tolerance of others who do.
The Adventurous Drinker
This is the person who always wants to do something crazy when drinking because, let’s face it, sometimes booze makes you feel like you could get away with smoking crack on camera. This Frank the Tank appears after the bar when he would rather hop a fence to swim in a public pool, find a fire extinguisher to spray in the street, or climb onto a roof than call it a night.
The Free-From-Wife-and-Kids Drinker
This is a special night for the fella. He’s shackle-free, out of the house and completely independent of anyone other than his friends to babysit him. This is rare for the guy, so you best believe he’s going to make every minute count. And what may be a typical night out for all his friends is his chance go hard at the bar, do whatever the hell he wants without scrutiny and get numbers from random women to assure himself he’s “still got it.”
The Ghost Drinker
And lastly, we have this guy. This person will remove himself from any party without anyone knowing, usually because he or she is too drunk to be there. Leaving with no goodbyes or trace of departure time, little is known about this mysterious drinker. Commonly referred to as the “Irish exit,” the popular escape method is performed amongst crafty binge drinkers who mostly hold faith that their friends won’t remember their abrupt and impolite retreat in the morning.