10 New Year's Resolutions You'll Actually Keep

10 New Year's Resolutions You'll Actually Keep

Ringing in the New Year is typically synonymous with dollar store noisemakers, fistfuls of glitter, and those meritless New Year’s Eve resolutions. 

We use the beginning of a new year as a benchmark to try and improve our existence and be better at life. The problem with this concept is that you might likely have a bunch of smokes, eat shitty food, and end up getting high school drunk into the wee hours of the morning, which is technically the New Year. The same New Year you resolved to do things better.

Then there’s the trickle effect. You wake up feeling like garbage, need to eat some greasy food, maybe down a Caesar or two, and you sure as hell aren’t going anywhere near the gym for a couple of weeks until that dreaded New Year’s rush dies down.        

Instead, let’s look at 10 New Year’s Eve resolutions you can actively work on throughout the year that are easier to keep and will make you a better person along the way. However, if you want NYE resolutions that you're shamelessly going to fail at then be sure to read those 10 elsewhere

1. Be a Better Driver

You’re either one of two people. The douchebag who doesn’t give a phuck about those around them and takes every little advantage they can on the road. Or, you’re that pie-in-the-sky driver not paying full attention while commanding an automobile and letting that aforementioned douchebag successfully pull his or her douchebag moves. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there. Sitting behind the wheel and wishing so badly that now more than ever you could bust out a Hadouken! Just be a better driver.  

2. Drink More Water

Many of us are chronically dehydrated even though the adult human body is 50-65% water. In fact, our mental performance and physical coordination starts to become impaired before thirst even kicks in, typically around 1% dehydration. So if you find yourself routinely failing at menial tasks, it could be because you’re just thirsty. You know what I did? I went to Boston Pizza and ordered one of those 34 oz. schooners and then stole the glass. That’s right. So now while I’m at work all day I can continually fill and drink my schooner – full of water, of course.  

3. Eat Better

Okay, so while we’re on this drinking water kick, how about we incorporate eating a little better. Now I know perogies, pizza and chocolate drizzled kettle corn are part of your decadent lifestyle but it’s not going to kill you to have some beets, bok choy or spinach.  Just make sure you get organic spinach otherwise those high rates of pesticide residue might actually chip away at your health. And then what, now you’re full of pestici…you know what, on second thought let’s forget spinach and just eat broccoli.

4. Set Reminders – Use a Calendar

Do you have difficulty remembering things? Whether it’s mom’s birthday, a dentist appointment or the time and place of your weekly fucking baseball games? Dave, I’m looking at you here pal. I’ve been waiting all summer to say this. For Christ sakes man, can you not remember that we play baseball every fucking Tuesday at 8pm on Diamond 5? You cost us the goddamn finals because you can’t remember ANYTHING. Anyway, where was I? Right, try using the mobile calendar on your smartphone to remind you of these things. People will appreciate it.

5. Learn to Cook or Bake Better

Do you have the Internet? Wait, you must if you’re reading this, unless you’re stealing your neighbour’s Wi-Fi. Which is fine but I digress. The point is that you should do yourself a favour and learn to cook or bake. With a billion available Internet recipes on everything from the perfect hammered eggs to consommé, there’s no reason you can’t learn how to make a few delicious items the next time you host a dinner party. I’m willing to bet it’ll be better than the Fluffernutters and Crystal Light you usually serve. Hell, maybe you’ll even be able to make this one day.

6. Buy More Groceries

Baking soda, lemons, Sriracha, and a bottle of Grey Goose. What are the only four items currently in your fridge? Does this sound like you? That’s fine if it is, I mean it‘ll only get better once you learn how to cook and fill your fridge full of the scrumtrulescent creations you’ve found on Pinterest.

7. Watch Less TV

All too often we find ourselves sitting in front of the TV flipping channels and complaining there’s nothing on. Then we settle for some random show that we otherwise would never watch. Okay, so you learned that having your body ripped apart by gravitational forces as the remaining bits get crushed into the center of a black hole is called Spaghettification. Great. Mention it the next time you’re making pointless small talk or how about doing something productive and drink water, make pumpkin bisque, or bake some goddamn banana bread.

8. Get to Know Your Neighbors

It’s fair to assume you likely live beside someone. Hell, all sorts of people may even surround you. If you want to learn something fun about them then check the available network of names around you. Someone on my floor has “Bill wi the science fi,” which I found tremendously creative. Get to know them. Not necessarily all of them but it wouldn’t kill you to strike up a conversation with someone you might frequently see. Unless you’re an introvert…then…like…fuck that. You stick to yourself and your thoughts and where you feel most comfortable.

9. Listen to More Music

Aphex Twin, Buck 65, Cat Power, Deltron 3030, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Gypsy Kings, Hayden, Incubus, John Williams, KRS-One, Loveage, Mozart, Nina Simone, OAR, Portishead, Queens of the Stone Age, Rage Against The Machine, Sublime, Tool, Unwritten Law, Ventures, Weezer,  (the) XX, Young Jeezy, ZZ Top. You get the point.

10. Stop Vaguebooking

“OMG I can’t believe that just happened.” You might not be familiar with the term Vaguebooking but I guarantee you know someone who has perfected it. The process involves posting a deliberately cryptic (usually Facebook) status update with the hope that friends and family will curiously respond with either support or concern. It’s nefarious, goading, blatant and often leaves me sitting on the fence between hiding your updates and or deleting you as a friend. Forever. If you have one resolution in 2014, move this one to the top of your list. 

Geoff Johnston